10/11/07

That was then....

I get a kick out of those times when I seem to be "out of presence." A ridiculous notion, to be sure, but the mind does seem to get itself in a twist about it, doesn't it? Very recently, in the story I was worrying about life stuff, and it didn't feel good at all. Anxiety about decisions that will have to be made....decisions that "I" feel ill equipped to make, which makes the stress worse, etc. and on the story goes.....

This is what happens. The thing is...... now..... where is all that anxiety? Where's the stress, the decisions that have to be made, the tension, the worry the constricted feeling in the pit of my stomach? Where is all that? (was there really a constriction in the pit of my stomach, or just a general malaise? who can say? how can I know without building another story about "then?")

Seeing is now, and only now. What I've written above are words, thoughts, memories. How could I possibly say that I was "out of presence," taken for a ride in thought, imagination? I can't say it because NOW I am.....here. And all that never happened. Faint memories. No substance, no reality. One might say, some movements of energy, without meaning, just isness.

What is real, is THIS, right here, right now. The rest is a dream. Seems like it happened, but how can I know? Nothing is real except what is here, now. And what is here, now, is this seeing, being, knowing, peace. Where's the anxiety? I can't find it.

There is no anxiety about the future now, because the future does not exist. How can it? It is only ever, forever, now. What a relief! All these "times" when we swear that we were "elsewhere," we "lost it," we "wandered out of presence".....how can it be? What's happening NOW? Are we here?

What was, "then," is a dream...it has no reality. How liberating! It means that THIS can never be other than what is, always.....no matter what stories and dreams are created and seemingly believed. This just makes me smile - there simply is no way that I can verify that "I" was ever "out" of presence-awareness and "into" a story! Because in the now-ness where it is seen, there is no such thing, there is only a memory of a "time" when there were feelings and thoughts present....all gone in the light of what is, a puff of smoke, if you will...... Returning (from where? and who/what returns?) to this moment, this here, this now - what can possibly be said about "then" that has any validity at all?

Welcome to the rock-solid security and the unpredictable free-fall of YOU. ;-))



4 comments:

Ron Marson said...

Commenting on a previous blog, Jim reports that his "I" disappears in thought. Then his mind jiggles a little and a peaceful present-moment noticing arises which Jim evidently believes is his true nature. (How many times has he been told, or read, that he is pure awareness.) So Jim's I-thought re-identifies with this delicious alive feeling of pure, raw, bare awareness, and I pops back into Jim's consciousness as object. It feels sooooo good to be a Jim that he can grab hold of again, and identify as pure awareness. He wishes this I-feeling would last and that he wouldn't keep disappearing. Never mind that disappearing, becoming nothing, is perhaps Jim's highest goal. When it actually happens he doesn't like it, in a mild aloof sort of way. Certainly, he isn't complaining. (Hey, Jim. Ron is NOT mocking you. This is Ron's story too, from beginning to end. Laying the rap on Jim gives Ron the distance he needs to see this in himself -- for the very first time! Thank-you.)

Mary reports this same feeling/thought of being "out of presence." She sees through it and laughs at her story. Perhaps she gives this thought a Byron-Katie turnaround to see that "presence is never out of presence," rather, "her thinking about presence is out of presence." And so she "returns" to now by noticing, like Jim perhaps, how much better it feels, more rock-solid and secure. This may be what Jesus had in mind when he said, "Build your house upon a rock." Might as well. The sand keeps shifting. The rock never changes. What's more real?

What about Ron? He stands helpless before his conditioned I that inserts itself in between every little action he takes. I think. I type. I breathe. I become. What would it be like to be incapable of reflecting back on himself as the subject of awareness that is not his own? No subject means no object. Subject and object become unfathomable mystery. So there is only manifestation. There is thinking, typing, breathing, a dream of becoming. Ron has a little game he has been playing with himself. He pretends that his I-observer is totally paralyzed, as close to dead as it can possibly get, yet it still sees, still notices. So far, he notices that his body and brain continue to function as they always do. Nothing needs his "I" as far as he can tell. This creates a deafening stillness in the mind. For paralyzed I is paralyzed mind. Yet his hands keep typing. And his mind keeps thinking. Right out of stillness. Like watching a movie flow right out of Ron....

Mary said...

Thank you Ron, for the very clear descriptions of your experience! I agree, the subject-object thing is a trap! We must remember that when there seems to be identification with the "I," it's just the ISNESS seemingly identifying with an "I." It's just what happens(and anything can happen) and need not be a problem or irritation....this identification in my experience sometimes brings with it certain feelings of discomfort - isn't that interesting?! But who labels the feelings as uncomfortable?? And what is it that notices or even comments on this "identification?" As soon as "I" even attempt to know, as soon as "I" look, as soon as this mouth opens and words come out - there IT is again, and it is seen that no one is looking, knowing or noticing. No way to get around it. So, anytime that one says, "I was out of it" HAS to be a story/dream of the past, it can't be otherwise. (the past cannot be referenced as real in any way..there is only now) Those words might as well be "the tree was barking," for all the relevance that they have here!

But thinking is also IT! Thinking cannot be out of presence - it just seems that way. Thinking is presence, too. Everything is THAT....that's why it's also a free-fall, anything can happen! It's so crazy how talking/writing and sharing about his seems to affect the seeing of Truth....but it's just what is happening! No cause and effect. This is where my mind just collapses and the face begins to smile..... blessings, M

Ron Marson said...

Yes. Reflecting on your words, I see that I was feeling pretty good about not identifying with the good feelings that accompany bare awareness. This in turn is simply identification with a condition of not-identifying, which is yet another more subtle form of identification. And you would ask me, "Who is feeling pretty good about seeing this?" Well, "I' am, of course. "I" seems to conjure up dreams resting in dreams resting in dreams.

Is there anything that "I" can assert or think that is not identification? "I am," perhaps? Is this all one knows for sure?

Mary said...

Beautifully said, Ron...

YES...my experience is that I can know nothing! The I AM is as close as we can get in words....after that, there is a dream being created (and that is very okay) It is what is....it is not "wrong." SEEING this, that there is no one, that the "world" is a dream, an appearance, is enough to unravel the whole story and leave you as your true nature - simple, ordinary, immediate, being. No words can describe it.